Secrets and Scars
by DeanxxCastiel
Summary: Set after the events of Season 6. Dean struggles to accept the fact that he is in love with an angel, tormented by the fear that his feelings will be unrequited. Should he let his true feelings come to light? Even if Castiel does feel the same- Can their love survive in a dying world? and will Sam accept the relationship is true and not the result of a curse or spell? (Destiell)
1. Chapter 1- The Call

**Secrets and Scars**

_**A/N-**__This story is set roughly a year after the finale of season 6, I have written the story as if most of the events in season 7 and 8 did not occur. This is why certain details of what has happened in between the finale of season 6 and the time when my story is set have been brushed over._

Dean Winchester had never liked thinking of himself as a hero, no matter how many innocent lives he saved, he always felt… tainted; as if he had no place in society. Growing up on the road while his father John went on 'hunting trips' hadn't been easy for him, especially not with changing schools every few weeks and trying to raise his little brother Sam. He'd never really had a chance to find his own identity, he'd spent so long in his father's shadow that was now all he knew of life. The life of a hunter.

Sam had managed to escape this fate, for a little while at least. The way Dean saw it Sam had abandoned him, left him to live his father's life, never truly getting a chance to find his own. He knew the only reason Sam had returned from Stanford was because of his girlfriend Jessica's death. If yellow eyes hadn't gotten to her, Dean doubted he would have ever seen Sam again, the case of the woman in white would have undoubtedly been their last.

Since the passing of his father and the countless betrayals by Sam during their last few years on the road, Dean had turned to drinking on a daily basis, he even smoked the occasional cigarette. He kept this secret, partly because he felt ashamed and partly because he didn't need to listen to another one of Sam's self-righteous speeches. Each day he spent cramped up with Sam in his father's old 1967 Chevy Impala. Days of woodlands, shopping malls and crappy motels passed until they eventually arrived in the town of their latest lead. This had become their endless routine which neither of them could break free from.

Sometimes just a little bit, Dean would hope that the next town would be the last town, the monster he was hunting would win and finally, he would be able to rest. He never admitted this to anyone, he struggled to admit it even to himself. He buried it deep in the darkest depths of his core, these days it felt like all he had left was the darkness.

For a little while Dean had found hope in one of the only friends he'd ever had, Castiel. The angel that had saved him from his time in the pit. Castiel had rebelled against his superiors, turned his back on heaven and all because of his faith in one man to save the world from the apocalypse, his faith in Dean.

He had never expected that after all that they had shared, he too would betray him. The one person left he trusted whole heartedly. It was at this moment that Dean truly lost all hope. The pain he felt upon discovering Castiel had been lying to him and plotting to open the gates of purgatory with Crowley, was almost too much to bear. This of course was old news, it had been over a year, Castiel was almost back to his old self and sometimes if he tried hard enough Dean could pretend that his angel had never hurt him, he would shut his eyes tight and pretend it had been a dream. But this fantasy never lasted for long.

He blamed himself, if he had just had the courage to tell Castiel how he felt about him; maybe he wouldn't have turned to Crowley over his friends.

But the timing had never seemed right and now with everything that had happened Dean wasn't sure if he could ever tell Castiel. He'd never told anyone, every time he closed his eyes at night he would dream of Castiel. He'd spent his whole life chasing girls and monsters, the macho, A-typical life of a hunter. He knew there was no way he could admit to his brother or anyone about having feelings for another man. He buried himself in work, booze and women in a feeble attempt to drown out the pain of living a lie.

**Chapter One - The Call**

"Hey can you turn this crap off?" Sam whined as AC/DC's Back in Black had begun to blare through the radio.

Dean sighed, frowning a little and turned down the radio, Sam had never respected that this was in fact his car. A few more hours passed in which nothing more was said, until they finally pulled up at Crimson Nights Motel in a small town just East of Texas. There had been recent deaths in the area so they had decided to check it out.

The next day Sam went into town dressed in his usual F.B.I suit to question the local police. Dean had stayed behind claiming to be too hung-over from the night before. Sam was aware of his brother's drinking problems so hadn't found this story hard to believe. In truth, last night Dean had decided he needed to see Castiel… alone. It had been months since their last encounter. He had no idea what to say, but he couldn't fight it any longer.

He fixed himself his usual breakfast of Whiskey and last night's leftover take out and went to shower. Deliberately taking his time with each action, nervous with anticipation. When he was finished he dressed in his usual blue jeans and black t-shirt. Dean perched himself at the end of his bed after fixing his hair and when there was nothing left he could think of to do he finally broke the silence.

"Dear Castiel who art in heaven" Dean muttered to himself bitterly, expecting his prayer to go unanswered but before he had a chance to utter another word he heard the familiar sound of fluttering wings and Castiel was before him, his heart began to race. He had wanted him here, but now that he was he was unsure of what to say.

"That was fast" Dean said uncomfortably.

"I've been waiting for your call Dean. It's been months and still no word. I had begun to worry. I would've come sooner but you're hidden from me" Castiel's voice grew deeper at the end of his sentence as If this troubled him.

A few moments passed, it felt like years to Dean, he fixed his eyes on the aging patterned carpet on the floor. He couldn't look Castiel in the eye, he was lost for words, too afraid to face his own feelings. When it felt like the silence would never end Castiel took a few steps closer to where he sat at the end of the bed.

This was the first time they'd seen each other in almost half a year, Dean was so overcome with conflicting emotions he didn't know quite what to say. He took his gaze away from the carpet and looked up at Castiel, now only a few feet away. He wanted to tell him, but he was scared, scared that he would reject him and his own self-loathing would become more than he could bear.

"I know I've said this before, but I am truly sorry for my actions and how they hurt you" Castiel placed his hand on Dean's shoulder and looked into his eyes, desperate for his forgiveness.

Dean said nothing, afraid of admitting the truth, he looked out the window fighting back tears and using all his willpower to restrain his true feelings from coming out.

Castiel mistook Dean's silence for resentment and removed his hand, taking a few steps away and turning his back, this was hopeless he thought to himself. Dean hated him now, it was simply too late.

"I know I could never ask for your forgiveness" His voice broke a little "But you'll always mean more to me than you could ever realise"

And with that he was gone, Dean was alone once more.

"Damn you Cas!" He stood up, kicking the bed in frustration, why did he always have to leave so abruptly.

Dean fell to his knees, he didn't know how much longer he could keep going; it felt like his darkness was going to swallow him whole. Tears rolled down his cheeks, he was so angry, angry at himself, angry at Cas and angry at his own weakness. Castiel wouldn't understand he told himself. He's so new to this world, he wouldn't understand these feelings. It would be pointless to tell him, and with that he fixed himself another drink and went back to bed.

Castiel had settled down in an abandoned farm in Kansas. The land there was beautiful, he spent his days marvelling at the wonder of God's creations and hoping each day for Dean's forgiveness. That was all he cared about anymore.

"If we are all as God intended us to be then why did he make me this way?" He said aloud to himself.

The lonely angel had begun talking to himself in recent months. Most of his former friends were dead, the ones left alive wanted him dead, he was no longer welcome in heaven and the one man he hoped would forgive him hadn't spoken to him in months. He spent each day alone at this farm, just waiting for Dean's call.

If only Dean would be his friend once more, Castiel just wanted to be by his side. The only time he had any real sense of purpose was with Dean. He had no idea of what these feelings meant, he just knew that when they were together he felt like he was home. He tortured himself every day, living with the hurt he had caused him was unbearable. But each day he waited for Dean's call until one day, finally it came.

"Dear Castiel who art in heaven"

As soon as he heard the words he instinctively followed the source. The visit was short, Castiel could see the pain his presence was inflicting on Dean. He had vanished soon after his arrival, sensing that Dean could never forgive him, he paid him the only kindness he felt he had left to give and left him in peace. Castiel had waited so long to see him and longed to provide a comfort to his friend's pain, but it would have been selfish to stay he told himself. He could see that Dean couldn't even stand being in the same room as him.

It had been good to see him and know that he was at least okay, despite this he returned to the farm feeling lonelier and more miserable than ever.

After a few moments Castiel realised he had not given Dean a chance to explain why he had called. The look of resentment in Dean's eyes had made him feel so overcome with shame. But he needed to see if he could help Dean in some way, he would move the ends of the earth for him. All he had to do was ask.

TBC


	2. Chapter Two - Dream a little dream of me

**Chapter Two – Dream a little dream of me**

_Castiel's existence had been simple before he had been assigned the charge of Dean Winchester. As simple as an angel's can be; in heaven he followed orders unquestioningly, under the belief that it was all God's plan. For centuries this had been enough for him. Since the fateful day he had saved Dean, he had felt strangely drawn to him. This human had completely changed the angel's views of the world; he taught him independence and in a sense, he had taught him right from wrong. For that Castiel would always be grateful. His friendship with Dean had been more significant to him than any other relationship in his many years of living. He was Dean's protector, from the moment he had ripped him from hell they had been connected. Neither of them could have known at the time how deeply._

Castiel had been debating about whether or not he should return to the motel room, deciding finally that he needed to know the reason why Dean had called him. Maybe he could provide some form of assistance and begin to make amends.

He closed his ocean blue eyes, focusing on Dean's location, opening them to see Dean fast asleep on the bed under his leather jacket, an empty bottle of whiskey next to him. The sight of the eldest Winchester in such peace was soothing to Castiel, but he was distressed by his increasing reliance upon alcohol. Dean's habits were beginning to eat away at him, Castiel could see him beginning to head down a road there may be no turning back from.

He walked over to the double bed and took a seat next to Dean, not having the heart to wake him. Several minutes passed which he spent silently examining the hunter's face as he snored gently, his lips opening and closing with each exhale and inhale, the movement was subtle but Castiel had grown fond of the subtle quirks that made Dean unique. Over an hour passed, he could have watched over him forever, but the Winchester began to groan as if in pain, his shoulders twitching from side to side, as if trying to break free from something. The angel gently pressed his index finger to the hunter's lips to quiet him.

"Dean, it's okay. You're safe now." He said soothingly, he knew Dean must have been dreaming of his time in hell. If only he could take these painful memories away for him, but some memories were just too strong to be erased.

Dean continued to whimper, Castiel removed his trench coat and loosened his tie to make himself more comfortable. He began to gently shuffle along the bed, laying down carefully as not to wake the Winchester and wrapped his arm around him. Dean was his to protect, it was his job to guard him and make him feel safe, especially in his vulnerable state.

He could smell stale alcohol and faint traces of aftershave on the hunter, the warmth radiating from the close proximity of his body sending shivers up Castiel's spine. This sensation was new to him, making him a little nervous, he realised he still had much to learn about human experiences. They were so much rawer and electric, so much more real. The way his body was reacting was unnerving to the inexperienced angel.

He began absentmindedly trailing his fingers along Dean's muscular arms. A smile was twitching on the corners of the hunter's lips, making Castiel wonder what he was now dreaming of. Castiel realised this was the first moment of peace they had shared since their friendship fell apart. As soon as Dean awoke he would undoubtedly start cursing him and the hatred would fill his eyes once more. He was grateful for this quiet stolen moment in which he could pretend everything was okay.

Dean began to stir, Castiel had been so lost in his own thoughts he didn't think to move away from the hunter, forgetting momentarily that this closeness might disturb him. Dean opened his pale green eyes, still groggy and thick with sleep, he was clearly still a little drunk. He realised suddenly he was not alone, noticing that there was an arm placed on his, he turned his head to see Castiel lying next to him. His tailored jacket and tie askew making him look all the more irresistible to Dean.

"Hello Dean" Castiel breathed, his heart pounding, the sound was thick, echoing through his ears. He had never felt more unsure of himself.

"Cas? I guess I must still be dreaming" Dean said smiling to himself "I might as well enjoy it then" he turned his body over so that their faces were a mere few inches apart.

"Dean, what do you…?" Castiel began but was cut off by the hunter's warm, smooth lips colliding against his own, passionately, almost desperately.

At first he was too shocked to react but as the hunter's tongue started to trail along his lips he felt his body responding in ways he did not understand. He slowly opened his mouth, allowing the hunter to gently massage his tongue with his own. A bead of sweat trickled down his neck as hot spikes of electricity shot through him, he felt the blood begin to rush to his groin. Making him ache beneath the now tight confines of his boxers.

The sound of Dean's impala pulling into the parking lot brought them to their senses. A car door slammed in the distance, this seemed to revive Dean into a full state of consciousness. He pulled away from the angel's lips, rubbing his eyes and looking around the room.

"Shit! Wait a minute… Cas, is this not a dream?"

"I do not understand what you…" the disgruntled angel began.

Dean shoved Castiel away and quickly stood up.

"Get out of here now! Before Sam sees you!"

"But…" He pleaded, he was so lost. This was the first time he'd ever experienced anything like this.

"I said now goddamit"

Dean glared at him, Castiel had never seen him so enraged, he left without another word, knowing when not to push too far. His questions would have to remain unanswered for now.

There was the familiar chink of keys and Sam entered the room.

"Hey you're up" he smiled "How're you feeling?"

"I've been better, I've been worse" Dean shrugged in what he hoped was a casual manner. His heart was pounding frantically in his chest. A chaotic stream of thoughts filled his head.

_What was that damn angel doing here in the first place?_

_He kissed me back..._

_Why the hell was he lying next to me on my friggin' bed while I was asleep?_

_HE KISSED ME BACK._

_What does this mean? Was he kissing me because he wanted to or would he responded that way if it had been anyone?_

_DAMNIT CAS!_

"So I did some digging" Sam interrupted Dean's train of thought "I went to the coroner's office and he let me see the bodies, it looked like they'd been mauled in some sort of animal attack. Their hearts were missing… looks like a straightforward werewolf case. We just need to work out what links all the victims. As soon as we figure that out we can start to narrow down suspects"

"Yeah, good work Sammy" Dean put on a smile that didn't quite reach his eyes. Sam hadn't noticed, a self-satisfied smirk at his own achievements spreading across his features. He sat down at the small wooden desk that the motel had provided and switched on his laptop, preparing to do some research.

Dean noticed a familiar crumple of clothing on the floor out of the corner of his eye, Castiel's trench coat. Luckily Sam was already engrossed in his research, Dean quickly kicked the garment out of view under his bed.

"I'm gonna take a walk" Dean grumbled, desperately needing some air so he could begin to process what had just occurred.

Sam was too self-involved to notice it was a little uncharacteristic for Dean to go for an aimless walk alone in the middle of a case. He signalled his hand as a goodbye gesture without looking away from the laptop. Dean pulled on his leather jacket, it was still warm from when he had been sleeping under it a few moments before. He picked up the key and slammed the door behind him.

His head was still cluttered, his heart beating erratically. Were his feelings for Castiel not unreciprocated after all? Or were the lines between dreams and reality becoming too blurry for Dean to tell the difference anymore?

_But what if it was real?_ He realised how confused Castiel must be feeling and he began to grow anxious, how would he be taking all this?

He had been so caught up in his thoughts he'd lost track of time, not realising he'd been walking for several hours. It was pitch black now and only a small blanket of distant stars filled the sky overhead. He found himself sat by a quiet lake he had stumbled across after walking through a few miles of overgrown fields. Now that he was completely alone he decided it would probably be okay to light up a cigarette. He pulled the crumpled ten pack out of his jacket pocket and placed the slim cigarette between his lips, he flipped back his silver lighter, welcoming the toxins into his body.

He heard rustling leaves behind him and turned to see Castiel standing in the trees a few metres away. Dean breathed a sigh of relief, he seemed okay.

"Thank god, I was worried about you man" Dean attempted to sound offhand, struggling to resist the urge to run to his angel and embrace him.

Castiel glowered at him.

"I'm sorry about the way I kicked you out of there." he began, guilt and realisation hitting him square in the face "I hadn't had a chance to get my head straight" He paused "I guess we kinda need to talk, huh?" Dean ran his fingers through his hair nervously, this was exactly the conversation he had spent so long trying to avoid.

Castiel appeared behind him, the same unreadable look in his eyes, his head tilted slightly. Dean could feel his stare penetrating him and took a nervous drag from the cigarette.

This seemed to infuriate Castiel, he ripped it from Dean's mouth and grabbed him by his collar, their faces so close he could feel the warm breath of the angel playing upon his cheeks.

"Are you trying to kill yourself?" he spat "Do you have any idea of the number of human lives I have seen destroyed because of these things?"

"Cas… I just…"

"Dean it is my job to protect you. How can I do that if you won't even protect yourself?" The angel stared into him and for the first time he felt like he was really being seen. He'd spent years with a brother who was always too focused on his own problems to take much notice of him. He was unaccustomed to being under such scrutiny.

_Castiel really must care for me- He's being a little overprotective but- Okay, if this is what he wants then I'll do it._

"Okay, I'll stop" Dean took out the packet, holding it up for a moment and then threw it into the lake. Castiel relaxed his shoulders as he let out a heavy sigh of relief. He had felt so enraged at seeing the man he cared for committing yet another self-destructive act. Every time Dean hurt himself was another time he felt he had failed to protect him. He had cast aside his confusion and questions, Dean's wellbeing was his priority.

"Now can we talk?" Dean asked him patiently, he was touched by the angel's concern, a lump began to swell in his throat.

_Was there really someone out there crazy enough to give a damn about him? Maybe he wasn't so worthless after all?_

"I suppose that would be best" Castiel smiled weakly and released the tight grip he had on Dean's collar, at least they were speaking again.

**TBC**


	3. Chapter Three - Revelations

_**Chapter Three – Revelations**_

_**This is one is special, he's not like the others**__ Castiel thought to himself as his gaze traced the hunter's silhouette in the darkness. He breathed in the night air, soaking in the smells and sounds of nature all around him, savouring the surroundings._

_From the moment they had met, his own unnatural fascination with the human Dean Winchester had disturbed him; he had taken little interest in the affairs of humans prior to this, why should this time be any different? But as he grew to know the young hunter, he had begun to respect and care for him._

_Love was an entirely new concept to the angel, his life in heaven had been devoid of affection. The brutality of his fellow kin had forced him to put up barriers within himself, emotions were a liability. It was the only way he had survived, for the longest time he had forgotten what it was to feel. Love- to Castiel was simply a game mortals played to amuse themselves, he held no interest in the notion. He thought himself incapable of experiencing something so primitive._

_Castiel struggled to acknowledge the depth of his feelings, allowing himself to feel still felt dangerous. But it was too late to pretend he hadn't felt the spark ignite within every fibre of his being. He was beginning to understand; why he had always felt the need to protect Dean above any other, why he rebelled and turned his back on heaven, the reason why he had always answered Dean's every call. _

_The answer was simple. He loved him._

_The thought of this terrified him, the emotions he had kept locked away were crashing in on him all at once with great force. When arriving at the Motel room that night all he had hoped for was the cracks in their deteriorating friendship to begin to repair, but their encounter had made him realise what it truly was that he wanted from Dean. But this had just left him feeling more lost and helpless than ever. He did not want to be just another notch in the hunter's belt. But if Dean had been sober or fully conscious Castiel doubted he would have even shown any interest in him at all._

"So how did you find me here? I know you can't trace me with your angel mojo" Dean asked, fixing his collar back into place, hoping to delay what he thought would be the inevitable rejection for a little while longer.

"I may not be able to 'trace you' as you call it, but I still have the ability to search an entire town. You forget I'm an angel Dean" Castiel answered matter-of-factly "It took me longer than it once would have, I admit. My powers are weakening every day. I've been cut off from heaven for many months now" His face remained still, unfaltering but the hunter knew him well enough to hear the undertones of grief in his voice.

"All of my brothers and sisters have returned home" He continued darkly "They are seeking me out from above, if I use any excess of power they will find me. There is a price on my head. After the acts I committed it is hardly surprising" His blue eyes darkened as shame scorched through him at the memory of his actions and the agony it had caused the man by his side.

These words carved their way sorely through Dean as realisation slowly dawned on him. He had not been the only one suffering. If he hadn't been so distracted trying to bury himself inside a bottle he might have stopped to think about what Castiel was going through. He hated himself more than he'd ever thought possible, like acid burning its way through him, leaving behind nothing but the ache of despair. The thought of Castiel so alone, isolated from everyone, hunted; it was more than he could bear.

"I didn't realise how bad things were for you Cas, I'm sorry" His voice strained with bitter self- loathing as he forced back the tears that threatened to break away the false mask of strength he had learned to rely on.

"I do not care for my own safety, my only concern is now and will always be you" Castiel gazed thoughtfully at the water, a slight breeze making gentle ripples in its surface.

Dean longed to admit how he truly felt towards the angel. He struggled to find the words that would do justice to the feelings he had been harbouring for so long. He could feel his insides twist and writhe, tormented by an inner battle.

_Could he really admit how he felt? But what if Cas just rejected him? Wouldn't it better to remain silent and cling to the broken remains of their friendship?_

Several moments passed, the silence was starting to weigh down on Dean. He wanted to hide there in the darkness forever, with the angel by his side. Realising he would have to be the first to break the silence, he prepared himself to speak by clearing his throat.

"So I guess we need to talk about the elephant in the room?" He said nervously.

"Another human phrase I take it?" Castiel smiled, he never understood Dean's references but was fond of them all the same "We are neither in a room nor are we in the presence of an elephant" he began "But yes, we have much to discuss" Castiel said simply, staring inquisitively into Dean's flecked green eyes.

The hunter was unsure of where to begin, still reluctant to admit his feelings. Fear of rejection shaking him into silence. Castiel's usually smooth features formed into a pained grimace

"If you do not wish for it to happen again I understand… After all, you were under the influence of liquor and probably didn't realise who you were…"

"Don't…" Dean cut him off angrily "Don't you say that to me. I knew it was you, of course I knew!" His emotions had gotten the better of him, forcing out the truth; hearing Castiel belittle what had passed between them was unbearable.

"But you thought you were dreaming" Castiel said with a quiet sadness "Had you been fully aware of your actions…"

"Don't claim to know how I feel!" Dean spat, he may have been half delirious when it happened but he didn't regret it for one moment.

"What do you…?" Castiel stopped himself "But after everything I did, with Crowley, I thought you despised me?" He turned to look into Dean's eyes once more, they were glistening slightly in the pale moonlight reflecting from the water.

"I'm not gonna sugar coat it, I did hate you for a while and hell, you deserved it… but I never stopped caring. We all make mistakes, I'll be the first to admit I'm far from perfect. What hurt me most and still does, is that you turned to Crowley" He choked out the name that left a bad taste in his mouth "The king of hell… Over your friends… over me" he said, forcing back the lump forming in his throat.

"But you were with… Lisa." Castiel said the name coldly, he had never thought she was good enough for Dean "You deserved a chance to be happy, I wanted to allow you that"

"Goddamnit Cas, did you ever stop to think maybe the only reason I was with her was because the one person I did want to be with had never shown any slight interest in me?"

"Who?" Castiel asked, barely daring to hope at what his answer might be.

"Friggin' angels" Dean rolled his eyes in frustration "Haven't I made that obvious or do you need me to spell it out for you?"

Castiel stared at him unblinkingly, expressionless.

"It's you Cas! Damnit there I said it" He turned away, hiding the blood rushing to his cheeks.

Castiel placed a hand on Dean's back and turned him around to face him.

"Why did you never mention any this to me?" Castiel asked softly, his brow furrowed.

"I guess I didn't want to set myself up to get hurt all over again and after seeing you with Meg I knew for sure that you didn't feel the same. So in the end I just… gave up…"

"The ignorance of humans will never cease to amaze me"

Dean glared at him waiting for further explanation.

"Did it never occur to you that I too might have been acting based on the same reasoning as your own with Lisa?"

"Not really." Dean said truthfully "You're an angel and a guy. I didn't expect you to feel anything for me beyond friendship and after that fell apart, I guess I figured you didn't feel anything for me at all anymore"

"Do you really think you mean that little to me?" Castiel's features drew into a deeper frown, his voice trembling.

"To put it simply Cas, I know I'm not worthy of you. I've always known. I'm a mess of a human being, too broken to deserve anyone's love"

"Your brother really has mistreated you" Castiel said bitterly "He shows as little concern for you as if you were a passing stranger on the street… He has made you feel broken, unworthy… but you're not Dean, believe me. The truth is, it is I who does not deserve your affections. You are stronger, braver and more pure of heart than anyone I have ever known… angels and humans alike… You are beautiful inside and out"

"C'mon Cas you're making me blush" Dean said trying to brush off the words, attempting desperately to maintain his strong façade, not daring to believe what he was hearing.

"It's true Dean" Castiel took his hand, their fingers intertwining for the first time felt like perfection, they belonged this way… "You are a beautiful" he said simply.

They stared at each other for a long moment, Dean knew it was finally time to lay his cards on the table, he breathed in deeply, preparing himself for what he was about to say.

"Look Cas, I'm gonna be honest here. I'll hate myself forever if I don't tell you exactly how I feel" Dean breathed nervously and out of habit, began stroking the familiar place on his shoulder where Castiel's handprint had once been. The angel stood there patiently, staring into the trees, the gentle breeze swaying his mess of thick brown locks, the moonlight shadowing his rugged features as he waited for Dean to continue.

"I love you" Dean said closing his lids exhaling with relief, admitting the words finally out loud had released the crushing weight from his shoulders.

There was a long silence, Castiel just stood there, digesting all that he discovered not only about Dean, but what he'd learned about himself in the process. He had existed for many human lifespans but never before had his heart been touched so irrevocably, the barriers he put up lifetimes ago came tumbling down and finally he was at peace.

"I love you too" a single tear escaped, he was finally free.

…


	4. Chapter Four - Sleep Well, My Love

**Chapter Four – Sleep Well, My Love**

******A/N- I just wanted to say a quick thank you to anyone who has read, reviewed, faved or followed my story. I'm a first time writer so it means alot, you guys are amazing! ^^ **

**...**

"So where do we go from here?" Castiel asked uncertainly.

"Wherever we want to" Dean smiled embracing the angel with open arms. He buried his face into his neck, inhaling his smell as he gently ran his fingers through his mess of dark locks.

Castiel placed a gentle kiss on the hunter's forehead, tightening his grip around his waist, never wanting to let him go.

"So this is what it feels like" He smiled to himself.

"What?" Dean asked.

"Happiness"

…...

_Dean had been unsure of how to break the news to Sam, deciding it was best to keep their relationship secret… for now at least. This troubled Castiel, but he respected Dean's wishes well enough to play along. He gradually began helping out on cases again, moments alone were scarce. This often resulted in them taking out their frustrations on whatever monster they were hunting at the time. _

_Castiel was forced to ride in the back of the Impala as not to arouse Sam's suspicions. The angel didn't mind as it gave him the opportunity to observe Dean quietly. He relished seeing the hunter so contented, happily playing his cassettes, singing along and drumming his fingers enthusiastically to the familiar guitar riffs._

"What's gotten into you lately?" Sam frowned "Something's lifted your spirits that's for sure" He lifted an eyebrow, disapprovingly jerking his head in Castiel's direction in the backseat.

The two men knew they couldn't keep up the pretence for much longer. They had settled in a rundown motel in Maine for the night when they decided it was finally time to admit the truth.

"Dean this is insane!" Sam half yelled in disgust after his brother had finished explaining, his features drew into an expression of revulsion "The archangels have clearly brain washed you or some witch has placed some hoodoo on you! Or maybe this is Crowley's idea of a joke?"

"You said it yourself! This is the happiest you've seen me in… forever! It's for real and you need to accept that!" Dean snapped at him.

Sam ignored his older brother's words and turned to Castiel who had been standing helplessly in the corner as the conversation had unfolded "What's your angle Cas? Were you so pathetically desperate to get his friendship back that you turned to _this? _Placing my brother under some kind of spell against his will?"

Castiel was behind Sam in flash, he gripped a fistful of hair and shoved him to the ground.

"How dare you! I would never…"

"Cas stop!" Dean pleaded, the angel saw the desperation in his eyes and released his grip on the younger Winchester, letting him collapse in a heap on the ground.

Sam scrambled to his feet, narrowing his eyes in fury at the two of them.

"He's just using you for whatever he's got planned next!" He snarled at his older brother, Cas stepped forward but Dean put a hand in front of him cautioning him to stay back. The angel stood there still as a statue, quietly fuming.

Sam noticed the exchange and it only seemed to agitate him further "You're insane! The both of you!" He rushed to the door and opened it, stealing one last look back at them "I'll be back and I'll put a stop to this!" and with that he slammed the door behind him with frightening force.

"He's sullied himself with demons but when his own brother chooses to be with…"

"Cas, just… don't" Dean said quietly collapsing onto the bed, running a hand over his face as the tears slowly began to fall.

He realised it would be best to let his opinions go unheard, sensing how fragile Dean was from the exchange. He walked over to the bed and placed an arm around his lover.

"It'll be okay, we'll work through this" he said soothingly.

Dean mumbled something under his breath, rolling over and reaching out an arm to switch off the lamp. They laid together for several hours, he pretended to drift off to asleep to avoid talking about what had happened. He felt his inner darkness creeping back on him as the look of disgust and rage on his brother's face played over and over in his mind.

…..

_Several months passed, Dean had retreated within himself, abusing alcohol and whatever substance he could lay his hands on. Sam had disowned him, he had no family left. It devastated Castiel, watching the man he loved destroy himself all over again, he was powerless to help him, his loathing for Sam grew immeasurable. It took a great deal of time and several lock downs at Bobby's to get him sober again. The angel spent each day by his side, trying to put back together the broken pieces of a man the youngest Winchester had left behind. _

_Eventually they began going on hunts together, this seemed to help Dean get back on his feet. He taught Castiel how to hunt without the advantage of his powers, he even gave him a couple of driving lessons on the Impala. He loved watching him fumble around with human equipment with that lost expression on his face. Teaching Castiel to defend himself had granted him a sense of purpose and slowly the ache of the brother he had lost began to dull._

…..

The two men had settled In the back of the Impala for the night, it was mid-August so the weather was still relatively mild. Dean had his arms wrapped securely around his angel and was snoozing gently under the comfort of his trench coat. Castiel of course didn't sleep, but he enjoyed watching his hunter at peace. He snuggled up to him, breathing in his familiar smell, savouring each moment as if it might be his last. He placed a gentle kiss on his lips as he slept.

"Sleep well my love"

The following day he decided to treat him to breakfast. He drove to a local restaurant while Dean slept undisturbed in the back.

"Dean! Dean wake up!" He exclaimed after pulling up at the parking lot, shaking his shoulders with an excited grin, eager to see the happiness on his love's face when he realised what awaited.

"What, What is it?" Dean shot upright with a start.

"Breakfast time" He smiled happily,

"Where are we?" Dean asked rubbing the sleep from his eyes, still a little confused.

"Maxxi's Pie Palace" He almost squeaked with excitement.

Dean's face lit up as he grabbed the angel by the scruff of his neck and pulled him in for a deep, lingering kiss.

"You'll never stop surprising me and I'll never stop loving it" Dean grinned after forcing himself to pull away.

"And I'll never stop loving _you_" Castiel said softly, his eyes crinkling into a sweet smile as he stared into those eyes he would never tire of looking at.

They exited the car after a few more stolen kisses, Dean no longer felt hungry… not for pie anyway. The bell chimed as they walked through the door holding hands, causing a few of the regulars to stare and talk amongst themselves in hushed voices.

Dean quickly became aware of the eyes that were now on them, people were so intolerant and prejudiced it made him sick and was a painful reminder of his brother. Castiel could sense the tension in him and squeezed his hand reassuringly as they approached the waitress behind the counter. She was a friendly, young red head in her early twenties.

"What can I get for y'all?" She grinned sweetly, pushing her glasses further up her nose.

"We'd like some pie please" Castiel said with confidence, he was eager to see the look of joy on Dean's face.

"Okay, any preference as to what flavour you'd like?" She smiled at them warmly, unperturbed by their obvious relationship.

Castiel turned to Dean, waiting for him to choose from the long menu of flavours. He could see the excitement lighting up behind his green eyes as he examined the list.

"I'll have this one and this one and this one!" The hunter said pointing happily at the menu, all thoughts of Sam gone from his mind.

"Okay, coming right up!" She laughed "Let me show you two to your table"

She led them to a secluded table in the corner of the restaurant to grant them some privacy, hoping to protect them from her ignorant customers as much as possible. They thanked her kindly as she rushed to the kitchen to place their order.

They drew their chairs in closer, their thighs brushing against one another. Castiel was still sensitive to touch and felt his heart rate quicken as it always did when their bodies were close.

"You really came into your own on that last job" Dean said approvingly.

Castiel beamed with pride at his words, stroking the hunter's arm affectionately.

"Dean, I know things have been tough since…" He cut himself off, thinking it wise to skip over the details "but these last few months with you have been the happiest in all my years" He drew his face in closer, gently resting his forehead against his. He closed his eyes, smiling as he placed a hand on the hunter's cheek, softly stroking the rough texture of his unshaven skin.

The vibration of Dean's phone pulled them back to their senses. It was unusual for anyone to be calling his cell, Sam had convinced most of the other hunters to lose contact with him, claiming he was dangerously affected by a love spell. His expression darkened as he examined the caller ID.

_-Sammy-_

Dean let out a heavy sigh and put the phone to his ear silently. He would not be the first to speak.

"Dean are you there?" Sam's voice asked desperately.

Dean grunted in response.

"Look I know a lot of crap's been said but we need to stow it! I need to see you, I need your help! It's Bobby, he's missing"

He wanted to tell him to stick it where the sun didn't shine but he couldn't leave Bobby in his hour of need, he had been like a father to him and the only one who hadn't swallowed Sam's story.

"When? Where?"

"We were hunting a Djinn in a town called Little Rock, it's in Arkansas. Meet me here and I'll explain everything"

"Alright I'm not too far from there, maybe a day's drive" He said coldly before abruptly hanging up. He was filled with dread at the prospect of seeing Sam again after everything that had passed between them. He pushed these feelings aside, trying to focus on his concern for Bobby.

Castiel had been eyeing him closely during the phone call, noticing the muscles in his jaw twitching as he balled his hand into a fist against the table.

"Should we leave now?" Castiel asked warily. He desperately wanted to tell him not to go, to stay with him on the road, making each day their own. But he knew how much Bobby meant to Dean and how stubborn he could be. He remained silent, forcing the issue would be a wasted effort.

"We'll stay for the pie" Dean smiled weakly, not wanting to disappoint him.

Castiel managed a small smile and rested his head on the Winchester's shoulder, contented for a little while at least. They would have the morning, the world outside could wait a while longer. Inside this diner they were safe, Dean was safe and that was all that mattered.

…


	5. Chapter Five - Proposition

**Chapter Five - Proposition**

**...**

_In the passing months since parting with his older brother the journey had not been easy for Sam. His hallucinations of Lucifer continued to grow increasingly worse and without Dean there to support him he had fallen back into using demon blood. It was the only thing he had left that could help dull the battlefield in his mind. He realised only too late how much he needed his brother and how much he had been there for him throughout the years. The youngest Winchester only wished he'd appreciated it when he had the chance. The only thing that kept him close to sane was moving quickly from case to case while working on ways to free his brother from the curse he believed Castiel had place upon him._

_He had convinced himself that he had been acting in Dean's best interests that night in the motel room. He wanted to keep him from getting hurt again, he wanted to save his brother the way Dean had saved him countless times before._

…_.._

Dean and Cas exited the pie shop hand in hand, the Winchester rubbed his stomach fondly, warm and full from the large slices of pie he had just consumed.

"It's a good thing I've got you to keep me in shape" Dean whispered teasingly into the angel's ear, playfully nibbling it as they approached the car.

"Careful Dean" He smiled wickedly, pulling away to look into his eyes "I might just have to bend you over the car bonnet and show the full power of my wrath"

"You mean you've been holding back?" He smiled raising an intrigued eyebrow.

"Ahem… Ladies" Crowley interrupted, having appeared beside them unnoticed amidst their conversation.

"Son of a bitch!" Dean growled, taking a step back in surprise.

"Now, now. Play nicely" He grinned mockingly "or else I won't share my findings"

"What are you doing here?" Castiel narrowed his eyes, quickly stepping in front of Dean defensively.

"So eager to get to the punch line angel boy… or is that former angel boy now?" He smirked maliciously.

The angel took another step forward, closing the gap between himself and the former crossroads demon.

"Really Dean, Can't you keep your angel on a leash? I came here to be civil" Crowley said throatily, feigning offence.

Dean reached out and gently placed a hand on his lover's shoulder, squeezing it softly to reassure him it was okay.

"Cas, let's just hear what he has to say… If he's wasting our time we can kick his ass later"

Castiel gave a small nod and took a step back, still positioning himself in front of Dean.

"I'd like to see you try… King of hell, remember?" He said smugly, pointing a finger at himself.

"Just tell us why you're here already!" Dean snarled, rolling his eyes.

"Alright I see you want to skip the foreplay" He smiled to himself "It's about Moose"

Dean's body went rigid as he balled his hands into tight fists; readying himself to take a swing at the demon if necessary.

"What about him?" He snarled.

"Well I thought you might be interested to know what he's got planned for you two. He tried to bring me in on it actually… he really must be desperate" He stated, happily smirking at them.

"Spit it out Crowley!"

"Uh-uh not so fast! To get a little something you've got to give a little something!" He chuckled wagging a disapproving finger at the hunter's impatience.

"We aren't gonna give you squat unless you tell us whatever the hell it is you came here to tell us!"

"This is your final warning, play nicely or I'll leave you to it"

"Alright… _please _tell us whatever it is you came here to tell us" The Winchester said through gritted teeth.

"Now that's more like it" The demon replied, eagerly stroking something within the inner pocket of his tailored jacket "It involves tragedy like all the best love stories of course, but if you want all the spoilers you have to agree to my conditions"

"What is it that you want Crowley?" Castiel asked cautiously.

"Well I'll get straight to the point shall I? I don't want angel's breathing down my neck. If they ever catch up with you I'll become the next public enemy number one. My proposition will benefit the both of us"

Castiel gave a curt nod to indicate the demon had his attention.

"I want your grace" He said simply pulling a glass vial from the confines of his pocket "What's left of it anyway. Without it the angels will have a much harder time tracking you down and… I'll have some extra ammunition if they ever decide to come knocking on my door for a fight. It's a win-win so smiles all round!"

"Go to hell Crowley! If you think we're going to make a deal with you over some phoney information you've got another thing coming!" Dean yelled, fingers twitching as he slowly began to reach for the demon blade in his pocket.

"Excuse me, the adults are talking" He said not removing his gaze from the angel "Going once, going twice…" Castiel looked between the two men helplessly. It did seem like a good offer, he was almost human now anyway and if Sam was planning something they needed to know about it.

He glanced at the hunter's face, could see the anger, the resentment, the pain at the memory of their last dealings with Crowley. He knew then and there that to agree to the proposition would only hurt Dean further.

"Have it your way then" The demon said with an air of indifference, slipping the small glass vial back into his pocket "Just remember, I gave you a choice. Whatever happens next is a result of the decision you made here today"

Within a fraction of a second he had disappeared and the two men found themselves alone in the parking lot once more. They exchanged weary glances, Dean running his hand over the length of his face. Castiel stood there lost in thought, brow furrowed.

"Why would he come to us? Now of all times?" He said quietly, more to himself than to Dean.

"I don't give a rat's ass why" Dean spat "He was obviously bluffing, he's probably getting bored downstairs so decided to try and mix things up a bit up here. He's just trying to get some sort of twisted revenge on you for…" He broke off from his sentence, not wanting to drag up the past.

"Anyway we need to hit the road if we're gonna make it to Little Rock, we're losing daylight here!" Dean said in an attempt to shift the subject away from his mind.

Castiel had sensed something was amiss the moment Dean's cell had rang that morning. There had been no word from Sam for months and suddenly he chooses now to regain contact, on the same day that Crowley happened to make an appearance.

"Dean maybe we should think about this" He said warily.

"There's nothing to think about, Bobby needs my help. He'd do the same for me if the situation were reversed, I can't just leave him"

"But how do we know if he even needs…"

"We're going… End of discussion!" He opened the car door angrily and quickly slid into the front seat, slamming the door behind him.

Castiel sighed, resigned to the fact that there was just no convincing Dean and slowly dragged his feet to the other side of the car to sit next to him. He turned to face him to continue the discussion but the hunter pushed in a cassette tape, forcefully pressing play and raising the volume before he turned the key to start the engine.

The drive was a long one, Castiel spent most of it staring out of the window, watching the world go by as he worried for the eldest Winchester; trying to think of ways to protect him against whatever they were about to face. Sam had been unreliable at the best of times and something just didn't seem right about… any of this.

They were only about two thirds of the way there by sundown, Cas could see Dean was exhausted and had suggested they rest up in a motel so he could get a few hours of shut eye in a proper bed. After buying a room for the night from the aging desk clerk, they went to their room. Dean pulled off his jacket, collapsing onto the bed. He'd spent the last few weeks sleeping in the impala making the feel of the springy old mattress almost heavenly in comparison. He laid back and felt something in his pocket digging into his thigh. It was his cell phone, he pulled it out in agitation as it was making him uncomfortable, noticing he had a new message from Sam.

_**How far off are you now?**_

"I'm tired, you text him back" Dean said throwing the phone over to Castiel.

The angel looked lost as he stared at the device with a puzzled expression, holding it away from himself as if it might bite "Dean I don't…"

Dean smiled broadly, remembering Castiel had no idea how to use his smartphone. He stood up and took a step over to where he had been standing by the table. He closed the gap between them, wrapping his arms around him, placing a tender kiss upon his lips.

"What was that for?" Castiel eyes glazed over as he smiled a confused smile.

"You're just so damn cute" Dean grinned "Like a little lost puppy"

Castiel smiled awkwardly, running his hands over the small of Dean's back affectionately, slowly riding his shirt up to feel the skin beneath.

"Right I'm going to take a shower!" He yawned, stretching his arms out.

The angel looked disappointed and went to sit on the bed.

"What do you think you're doing?" Dean asked as his eyebrows drew together in a frown.

"Waiting for you to have your shower" He said matter-of-factly.

"I think you mean _our_ shower" Dean said hungrily pulling off his t-shirt and tossing it to the floor "You're coming too of course" He winked at him, grabbing his hand and pulling him up so there bodies were pressed against each other.

Castiel could feel the warmth of Dean's skin radiating through his own suit. He could feel himself aching with the need to be inside him, he crashed his lips hard against the hunters, passionately caressing his lover's tongue.

"Alright I'm coming with you" He said breathlessly after pulling away.

"Not yet you're not, but you will be" Dean grinned impishly pulling Castiel by his tie into the bathroom.

…

It was barely dawn when they hit the road again. The hunter had managed to cram in a few hours of sleep when Castiel had finally allowed him to rest. The morning air was still, a slight chill in the air. The birds were just starting to wake and sing their morning songs as Dean sat barely conscious in the front passenger seat. To-go cup of coffee in hand as he rubbed the sleep from his eyes.

"Be good to my baby Cas!" Dean said sleepily, patting the dashboard fondly with his free hand as the angel revved the engine and carefully began to reverse out of the parking lot.

A couple of hours passed, when they were about ten miles out from Little Rock Dean turned to Castiel.

"It might be best if we pull up here" The hunter sighed, reluctantly preparing himself for what he was about to say.

The angel pulled up on the side of the road and turned to examine the Winchester's face.

"What is it Dean?" He asked apprehensively

"It might be best if I go it alone from here. Things got a little out of hand the last time we were all together, I think it might help if I see Sammy alone. Maybe try and explain things to him"

"But Dean, I swore to protect you" He said indignantly.

"It's okay, he's my little brother I think I can handle it" Dean smiled wearily at the angel, squeezing his hand.

"I do not think this is wise, especially after Crowley resurfaced to warn us yesterday"

"Crowley's full of crap Cas! C'mon you know that. Better than anyone…" He trailed off.

The angel looked away, pained at the hunter's obvious gibe at his past indiscretions. Dean gently placed a hand on his face, turning his cheek to face him.

"Just… trust me, okay. Can you do that?"

"It's not you that I don't trust Dean… but if this is what you wish for me to do, then I shall leave you to discuss matters with your brother in private" He placed a gentle kiss on the hunter's lips "If you need me…"

"Don't worry you'll be the first one I'm prayin' to" Dean smiled warmly at him, stealing one last kiss before the angel disappeared.

Now that he was alone he could let his defences down a little, he sighed heavily pulling a silver flask from his jacket, swallowing a large mouthful before screwing the cap back on. He shuffled to the driver's seat, turning the key as dread overwhelmed him. He tried to focus his thoughts on Bobby but nothing could drive the memory of when he had last seen his brother from his mind.

Dean reached the place that Sam had mentioned staying at in what felt like no time at all. He sat in the parking lot for several moments before working up the courage to knock on the Motel room door. He slowly walked towards it, deeply inhaling before he placed three cautious knocks on the cracked red paint of the wood. Sam opened almost instantly, pulling his brother inside the room for a hug.

"It's good to see you Dean!" He said pulling away, with both hands still gripped on his arms.

"Yeah, err you too" Dean replied cautiously, unsure of the frailty of Sam's mood "So tell me about what happened with Bobby…"

"Erm yeah about that" Sam forced an uncomfortable smile.

Dean tensed "What?"

"Well I needed to speak with you and I didn't know how else I could get you to come so I kinda…"

"Made the whole thing up?" Dean questioned, eyebrow raised "I oughta kick your ass!"

"Look, Wait Dean, just hear me out… Okay?" Sam said holding his hands out in surrender.

"Alright, I'm listening. This had better be good!" Dean spat folding his arms impatiently.

"Okay here goes…"

…


End file.
